Miscarriages suck.

Yup. I know, "hand of God" and "It's probably for the best" and (my personal favorite) "There was probably something really wrong with the baby", etc etc etc. They still suck.

Some family members of ours found out a month or so ago that they were expecting their 2nd child. A baby that is very much wanted and planned for. They were so happy. About a week ago, her morning sickness disappeared. On Wednesday, the Doctors confirmed that there was no heartbeat and her HCG lavels had flatlined, then started going down. Her d&c is scheduled for today. All I can do is pray and pray and pray for their broken hearts and that they will have strength.

My best friend since we were 12 (that's 19 years, if anyone's counting) has wanted a baby for as long as I can remember. She, like me, has had two previous miscarriages. When we realized that my third pregnancy looked like it was going to stick, her baby fever kicked into high gear. In July, she got a positive HPT. We were so excited that we would be able to raise our babies together! Last week, she suspected that something was wrong. She refused to make an appointment until after Callie was born because she didn't want for anything to ruin Callie's arrival. At her appointment on Monday, Dr K confirmed that there was no baby. She didn't want anyone to go to the appointment with her, so I bundled Callie up and we sat in my car in the next parking lot, because somehow, I felt like if I could SEE her (or at least her car), I could support her better and maybe she wouldn't feel quite so alone. She started the Cyotec on Wednesday. I want so much to hold her and whisper words of comfort, but I can't. I'm the very reminder of what she wants and doesn't have. All I can do is pray for her. Feverishly.

I have had two miscarriages, one at 13 weeks in February 2002 and the other at 12 1/2 weeks last September. They both sucked. I found out that my uterus is mis-shapen and that my hormones are wacky, and I MAY have a blood clotting disorder. I held my breath until 14 weeks with Callie. I didn't make any drastic changes, buy anything, or tell anyone beyond close family and friends that we were pregnant until about 16 weeks. One of my Bible Study Ladies "claimed this baby in the name of God" and had unwavering faith that this baby would be born in Spetember, and I wish that my Faith had been as strong as hers from the beginning. Still, I mourn the babies that I lost. As I look at Callie, I know that if I had been able to continue carrying my April 2008 baby, I wouldn't have her, and I am torn. I would have a six month old son instead of a week old daughter. How different would my life be? How dare I question God's Plan?

I wish that more people recognized that miscarriages are not that uncommon. I've been told that as many (probably more) as 20% of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage. That's only confirmed pregnancies. That doesn't take into account the ones that are chalked up to a late period or where the mother isn't paying attention to her cycles.

And, still, there's nothing that stops a conversation faster than the subject of miscarriage. People (myself included) don't know what to say. I can't speak for every hopeful mother, but I can tell you on my own behalf that the very best thing that anyone said to me at that time was "That sucks. I'm really sorry. We are praying for you, your husband, and your baby. Please, can I (fill in the blank:) bring you some lasagna, I've made extra; come clean your house; take the kids for the afternoon; etc." Be specific, if you just say "let me know what I can do", I'm not going to take you up on it. At some point, I'll probably want to talk about my miscarriage, especially with other women that have had them, but for right now, I don't want to hear how your mother's best friend had a miscarriage and then was pregnant three months later. I don't want to hear that it's God's Will - I'm already mad at Him.

My heart hurts for my cousin and my friend. My heart hurts for anyone that has wanted a child and instead, suffered losses and dashed hope. My heart hurts that there are unwanted babies all over the world at the same time as there are women that would give their right arm for the chance to raise a baby. My heart hurts that I am looking at my beautiful, perfect baby, while others are mourning the loss of their own.

Lord, have mercy.